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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Hard times for all

Feeling so down in the dumps lately and the news is grim everywhere. From the economy to the weather to the unrest in the Middle East. No matter what your political views are the state of the world is dismal. But misery does not love company-I wish that all was better elsewhere so that my sadness was not mirrored in those around me. Maybe it would give me some hope for the future.

But I struggle - I know that I cannot wait for MY world to right itself, but feel unable to charge forward and alter it. And yet it is really up to me. My rationalization is that I need to be patient and let the grief evaporate like some horrible weather pattern. I have heard that one day I shall "turn a corner" - I have written here about this before. Often though there is not a corner to be found. Do I wait? Certainly something has got to be done - by me - about this horrible emotional downturn.

So much of my life was constructed on Bruce's ideas for me-who I was, what I should do with my life, what I was capable of. It was not so much that I was dependent, but I was so young when we met and he had a plan for me. What I did, day to day, had much to do with my reaction to what he said and thought - even in opposition to him, it gave me a direction.

I completely understand then why I have fallen apart now. I was able to continue on after he died on the steam that I created before his death and then all was still in motion. But that steam has dissipated and now everything is spiraling downward. I took on more because "being busy was good" but now I realize that "being busy" can be extremely self-destructive as well. So now I am sad, anxious and overwhelmed. No good can come of this so I need to back pedal and develop a plan. And I will try. Just so much harder now without the guy at home to provide some balance for me as well as the edicts that I can get it done.

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