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Monday, February 21, 2011

On to the 3rd year

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary. I decided to spend it alone-made no plans and told everyone that I would be okay and I was. I slept till 7, and then got up, walked Bebe and settled in for a day filled with no big plans. I would watch movies and not do any work.

Of course, I thought of Bruce all day and missed his presence on the couch next to me. We used to have movie marathons all throughout our marriage, even when the kids were little. There was always a running commentary-kind of like mystery science theater. The first movie was "Two Weeks", a sad movie about a woman dying of cancer, who summons her 4 kids to spend her last days with her and take care of her. And of course, I cried throughout the movie. I cried for her and cried for me and Bruce and what my life has become without him.

In all of the books that I read about meaning, there is a thread that persists about how the widow attempts to find meaning in the loss. I disagree that I or anyone can find the meaning in that. I believe that loss is somewhat random, maybe dictated by science and not God. The search for meaning happens because the values that we held before the loss are forever altered. What was important to me before Bruce died now does not seem to hold the same meaning, and I am struggling to find my way. I sometimes have an image of myself in a deep underwater cave and I am searching for the opening so I can get some air. Work is harder than I imagined and the latest crisis is that unless I summon the energy, I will fail at that.

He was my cheerleader, my role model, my mentor, my best friend. Of course my life is difficult without him. I get that, but understanding does not make the day to day any easier. I am getting used to life in the house alone-don't mind it most days. I miss him though-miss his being my teammate. We faced challenges together-complained about student papers and faculty meetings, administration and the lack of resources. The challenges seem overwhelming without him to comment on them and I question why I am in such a pressure cooker without him as the valve to let off the steam. It makes the work much harder when I am not totally committed to the task. And my job requires the total commitment to make it work.

So on to year 3. I start the 3rd year back to the magic of medication. This time I am dealing with the anxiety coupled with the depression and hoping that I can turn off the emotional overflow and do good work. I guess we will see.

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