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Monday, April 25, 2011

The New Normal

I have heard the term "new normal" so much since Bruce died. It is interesting because I do not think of anything about my life now as normal. I have somewhat of a routine, but it still feels as if I am in some experimental condition. I continue to tread water but cannot really go anywhere. Am I creating a new life for myself?-it does not feel that way. I am just doing what I need to do right now until I figure this life out.

My mood is better and I am looking forward. This is helped by the fact that good things are on the horizon: a relative moving closer, a baby in the family, a sabbatical, perhaps a wedding. But the more that I look forward the further away Bruce is.

There is nothing about this life that approaches normality. I do what I do because I have to. I am not aware of choices that I am making although of course, I choose everyday. But these are small choices-like what I have for breakfast. All the big choices are out of my hands. This is not the life that I chose for myself. It was the life that was handed to me.

Nothing normal about that.

2 comments:

  1. Just wanted you to know that I read your blog. I am a widow (4 months). I am having a very difficult time adjusting to my life without a husband. The intense loneliness will not go away. I was prescribed medication for depression and anxiety but I haven't been taking the anti-depression medications. The side effects were just too strong.

    I am not as emotionally strong as I'd like to be.

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  2. Hi Two-of-Six,
    If you have read my blog you know that I struggled and continue to struggle with the loss. The emotional pain is intense. I am not sure what helped me but I sought help everywhere. I joined and started bereavement groups and that I think helped me to relate to others like me when I was very withdrawn. I read many widow books and that helped me to process a bit. I regularly still see a therapist and finally sought some medicinal help. I see a psychiatrist who is excellent at understanding the drugs and when I am not helped by the medications, we try another.
    Part of this is time. My husband died in February of 2009 and my life feels incomplete without him. He was my everything.
    The loneliness for him has not gone away but I accept it now. Do not expect too much from yourself. It is okay to grieve and I think okay to be miserable. You will either feel better at some point or get used to the pain.
    I try and find something that gives me comfort everyday. Some days it was the couch and an episode of Law and Order. Some days it was a card from a friend. Hang in there.

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