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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Little Things

There are a few things that I deliberately changed after Bruce died. First, I did not wear jewelry. Not that I accessorized all that much, but I did change earrings and wear pins and some of the beautiful necklaces that he purchased for me. After he died, I closed the jewelry box and never opened it. I just recently started wearing some of the pins that I have-most of them quirky comic relief items. And I do wince mentally when I think of how he and I would laugh about the choices that I made with respect to the pins that I wore.

I still have difficulty changing my earrings. I had trouble caring about my appearance after-so putting on make-up was hard. I do wear minimal make-up now.

I stopped buying flowers for myself. Before Bruce died, I bought flowers weekly. I am back to buying flowers again.

I have difficulty watching anything resembling a situation comedy on television. Life just isn't that funny. It would delight Bruce when I would watch a program that made me laugh out loud. Hard to find anything truly entertaining at this point in my life.

Funny how these little things speak volumes. I almost wanted to be immersed in a world of gray and black-color was not available to me on grief street. I guess the inner pain needed to be reflected outward. I still wear lots of black. If I were Catholic - I would have contemplated moving in to a convent. I needed that dark silent place to mimic what was happening inside.

How much his life touched mine and how his loss irrevocably changed me.

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