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Sunday, June 12, 2011

The New Normal Revisited

Yesterday it occurred to me that I am getting used to my solitary life. I walked Bebe and had difficulty remembering life with Bruce. This is the the final awful layer of my grief that I have blogged about before. There was the initial loss, an ice cold water bath-so shocking and painful. There was the cold numbness after, and then the realized loss-when the pain of missing him was so present and I could reach across my pillow imaging him on the other side of the bed. There was the loss experienced floating in and out of my past and present-where I was distracted and then I would think of him and his image would come to me and the sadness overwhelmed me. And now this-the day to day life without him, filled with a routine that I never wanted yet am "married" to. I am used to it, perhaps even find comfort in the familiarity of it. And occasionally there is the pain of realizing that my loss has been so great that there is no recovery. But here I am, used to a life I have never imagined.

The imagined life.... We all are guilty of creating a life that does not always jive with reality. I imagine my life or did before Bruce died as a fairly uneventful walk down a long road. Sure, I thought there would be small cracks in the sidewalk - but did not imagine that anything big would alter the course of my path. I saw grandchildren and retirement, travel and minor money issues. I did not see death or disability - did not think that crises would get in my way. There are so many around me who have experienced the "unthinkable". Cancer, death, financial ruin, job loss-so many stressors. How does one reconcile the reality of their life with what was imagined?

2 comments:

  1. I keep reading that the second year is worse. I am only at 6 months and it's pretty bad so I hope and pray that I get through this year.

    I am not living a full life anymore...it's somewhere between what used to be and reality. I cannot even begin to imagine what my new normal is supposed to be.

    I feel like I'm in limbo and waiting...
    There used to be a future of retirement together, grandkids, etc. Now I don't anticipate these things by myself.

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  2. Hello Two-of-Six,
    The first year is so hard as the reality of the situation has not yet hit home. At least that is the way it was for me. I could not quite believe it and my sadness was overwhelming. The second year was also hard but time passes and there are distractions. Distractions are good-and the time will pass and it will not be so odd to be without him. Hang in there.

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