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Monday, June 27, 2011

Passivity

I am alone much of the time. I analyze my life and thinking process as I walk Bebe and go about my day. I realize that after Bruce died I became extremely passive. I still have yet to fully take the reigns and bring some control to the day to day. It is hard to plan much. Is this a consequence of my grief or is this who I have always been? Difficult to know who am I without the partner that I grew up around. It is almost as if I am experiencing myself without the context of my marriage. Strange new world of me alone.

There are also the possibilities that exist now. How do I come to know myself and then make choices about what to do in my future? Funny how in my marriage there were times when Bruce and I would get confused about which one of us liked something. Even the kids confuse us-for example, it was Bruce who liked asparagus and me who liked cauliflower. Seemingly unimportant now-but only illustrate how the lines blur. While I was always fiercely independent, there were less choices to be made-because the other needed to be considered. Now there is just me-and I often do not know what I want in the absence of his opinion. It is resistance that guided me then-so his preference often triggered a resistance or acquiescence. This helped me to have insights about what I wanted.

The resistance lingers and I feel like a leaf on a tree, letting the wind dictate my direction. I resist making plans, resist controlling my time, resist those things that I need to do to move forward.

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