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Sunday, July 31, 2011

Emotional overtones

I have begun to dissect this feeling of being overwhelmed and decided that there definitely is an emotional component to it. There is always too much going on-but when I couple the amount of work to be done with emotional turmoil, it puts me over the edge.
Last week, I made a vow to myself to dismantle Bruce's office and I have made some good progress. It was harder than I thought-too many memories buried in the books and the paperwork. Much of the stuff evoked the past-some of it happy, some of it not, some entirely neutral. But it was a glimpse back and of course I both worry and welcome that without the things-those times are not retrievable. They remain buried deep with all of the other thoughts clogging up my brain.

And then in the middle of the week, there was the Emergency Room drama with my son and the resulting worry and emotional "hangover" the next day. It took a full two days to work it through and I continue to be a bit emotionally unsettled.

I have trouble articulating how I feel-almost like a fog engulfs me and I get lost in the emotions that bombard me. I know that it sometimes contributes to the inertia, interrupts my sleep and preoccupies my thoughts. I guess I have always responded to the emotional tugs before the cognition kicks in. I can (thanks to years of therapy) take all of this apart and provide a perfect rational response. But the emotional sensors are still on overload. I just got to keep on going, set small tasks and work through the turmoil. I know that I am strong and capable.

Even though I am sometimes beset by my emotions-it is who I am. Contributes to my passion, my enthusiasm and my empathy for others. Now I just have to learn to tame it and do good work while emotionally challenged! Small steps.

2 comments:

  1. My husband died July 25 2009. He had a home office stuffed to the gills with our home financial records, his favorite books, his photo equipment (which I don't know how to use) and I'm in the same boat as you. I've kept from cleaning it out, because if I do, where will I find visual reminders of him?? But I need to make it function better for me, do some vital gleaning of important papers, etc. I'd really like to switch the home office to another smaller room and make that room a guest bedroom. The 3rd bedroom is only big enough for twin bed, so it limits having overnight guests.

    But I'm sort of locked in indecision, does reworking and switching rooms mean I'll regret it later? So many emotions mixed up in this. Then there's the GARAGE?!

    I understand the difficulty of what you're facing!

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  2. Thanks Sue. I still struggle with the stuff! Hard to get rid of but hard to keep. I also have difficulty dealing with changing things around-part of me wants to keep everything the way it was. I guess ultimately we are destined to make changes.

    Everything that I have changed has made me feel more efficacious and better-even though I am indecisive I have not regretted any changes-I guess for me it is time to move on.

    Thanks for commenting-nice to know there are comrades out there.

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