Bruce was always able to turn things around-at least cognitively, and at least for others. He usually told me that I wasn't nervous, just excited. He also was able to spin interesting and difficult times as adventures. When I put together my sabbatical and a first grandchild on the way-I decided that I would rent a place near my daughter and son-in-law's apartment. I imagined myself on the beach soaking up the sun and then making a visit daily to bond with the new person in my life. I also thought that I could help out and further bond with my daughter and son-in-law.
I have come to understand that these "adventures" are often tinged with challenges. Often the "imagined" turns out to be pure fantasy. Although I am doing okay day to day-what I thought life would be like hasn't materialized. The studio is okay but a bit small and isolating. It has been rainy and the beach not especially conducive to sun-bathing. And then there is my concerns about Bebe-her barking, her anxiety, all of the details in settling her.
But when I think about it - although I am a bit disappointed that I cannot fully enjoy my beach experience, I am overjoyed that I am close to my new grandson and children, and a bit proud that I have made this happen in spite of my anxieties and grief. I know that part of the anxiety made me delay and thus hampered my options. But I have learned a bit in the process and gained some self-confidence.
Moving forward is hard but I will do it in spite of myself.