I had a chance to see my family this weekend and also reflect on life as I now know it. True, it always makes me pause when I gather for an event-in this case to celebrate the birth of the new little guy in the family, as I physically miss Bruce beside me. Emotionally-well I cannot even go there. But I so appreciate that I can be surrounded by people that I love and feel the warmth of those who have really known me. We have all shared some history, and that provides some comfort-and no explanation is necessary.
So I reflected on the past 2 and 1/2 years. Yes, I do reflect back during the celebration and commiseration of events, I think that it is only natural. But in this case, there were a few other prompts. The baby was born 5 days before Bruce's birthdate, he was male and during the bris, the rabbi discussed Bruce. Bruce's photo was displayed on the mantle, and he "watched" us during the ceremony.
As I thought about it-I decided that I am trying hard to concentrate on the flip side of life-the heads and not the tails. It is much easier to see the negative-our society seems to feed on it. The problems that need to be solved, the challenges to overcome, the issues to be dealt with. I try to find a positive-maybe only one a day to remind myself that there is some small joy in my life. I acknowledge that it sometimes is a stretch-on those days an interesting rerun of Law and Order may be the only thing that I can find, but the effort is worth it. I have been asked recently to recall the last time that I had fun and I can only think back to life with Bruce. It was not only fun-he was funny and his sense of humor put even the tensest moments in perspective. But it is really not fair or even accurate to say that I have not had "fun" since he died.
To only focus on the negative undermines the love and attention that the people around me offer me. I have fun with my children, my family, my friends. I can laugh and enjoy the company and being part of a world of color in contrast to the gray that surrounds me when I think of a world without Bruce and the sunshine he brought to my life. So I am trying to look at the flip side-there is the negative but often there is something there that can be seen as a positive-some way to turn around a difficult situation.
These past 2 weeks have been a mixture of sadness and joy-I can focus on either-why not the joy?
It is a constant struggle.