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Friday, November 11, 2011

Anticipation

If I could remove anticipation from my psyche - my world would be a better place.  It seems that I spend much of my time before an event, or a deadline becoming anxious just anticipating it all.  Even anticipating the "good" things leaves me full of angst.

In addition to anticipation-resistance is also an enemy.  I resist doing some things that I know would be beneficial and I am not sure why.  When Bruce was alive he would help me put this all in perspective-with him gone, my ability to hold these old habits at bay are so much harder.




Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Some good days and some bad days

Today was one of those bad days.  A day that started off like any other but gradually I realized that I was in a funk and could not really tell why.  Sometimes I think that I will wake up and it will all be part of some bad dream.  I'll reach over to his side of the bed and grab on to his teashirt and he will be there.  Or I will come home and he will be making dinner and the television will be on to one of the infamous "Judge" shows.  And then I realize that it won't happen-that he is gone and my life has gone on without him.  All of this happens quickly and the sadness washes over me.

 I try to flip this and count my blessings-my expanding family, and the wonderful folks in my life.  But some days it is harder to feel positive when I miss him and I am tired of being upbeat and managing everything.  I get tired of handling my life (which used to be "our life") alone and have no one to vent to after a long day.  So much internal dialogue - and no energy to find a person who is interested in the details or who is captive long enough to listen to my rants. 

So it is time for bed-and hopes that tomorrow will be better.  Or for me to feel more able to handle what comes my way.