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Monday, December 26, 2011

My Ideal Life

The holidays are half over and I made it through without being totally in despair.  I went to bed last night and conjured up Bruce-trying hard to place my hand in his hand and remembering that feeling of being with him.  I miss him so much this time of year.  I spent the last 2 days driving back and forth to my daughters.  The drive was tiring but therapeutic - I saw the ocean at my side and felt some renewal.  The visit also good for me as I napped with the new little guy in the family and then he smiled at me and all was lovely.

As I tried last night to walk the street hand in hand with Bruce, I felt the tightness in my throat and wanted to cry.  The sadness is there even though I recognize it is up to me now to create my future.  One of the things that Bruce and I shared was the belief that we are responsible for our own happiness.  He held little patience for people who were miserable-and did not at least try to rectify their situation.  I must confess I feel the same - but am a bit caught up in my own apathy to change much.  Part of the issue is that I am not sure what I would want my life to be, now that I am widowed.  It is such an adjustment, the death so shocking that it has taken a long time to fully integrate the notion that he will not be back.  Do I really accept that?  As my memories fade-I have written before that it seems my past belonged to some other me, but what about my future?  My future needs to be written-as I functioned before with some idea of what it would be based on my 34 years with Bruce.  Now it needs to be revised and I guess I need to figure out what I am reaching for so that I can work to make it happen.

So I am going to pursue this as well as tackling a new enemy within-resistance.  It has taken over me and I glide through my days without getting much done and the ever growing laundry list of things to do is overwhelming.  I am capable of moving through this and I will.  At least today I feel that I can.   


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

More than the blues

Calling being down in the dumps-"the blues" seems to be a misnomer, at least for me right now.  I feel extremely sad-hard to get motivated to do the things that I need to do.  I feel as if I am constantly trying to push through a very heavy doorway-and not even anticipating anything good on the other side.  Really do want to turn off the phone, not answer the door and just not go out for the remainder.

I am trying though.  Even getting out of bed is a major effort - but I am doing it.  I am sitting here writing and yesterday even went to the gym.  BUT I DON'T WANT TO.  There is the constant struggle and I am exhausted just trying to push through it.  What is on the other side I do not know.

I am not sure what will make things better.  I know that I am irritable and impatient.  Life is frustrating and there are too many things to deal with.  If I could organize myself, it may be that I can figure out what is important and what isn't.  Organizing myself takes effort- and there is not alot of energy to harness for that task.

Maybe I need some assistance-but that also takes some work.  Why are things so complicated? 

Friday, December 2, 2011

Holidays

I guess it is official.  I have debated since Sunday and by now I have officially accepted that I am down in the dumps.  I am depressed, sad, - whatever is the label, I am there.  There are a bunch of reasons-it is December and usually right after Thanksgiving I feel the tug of the sadness begin to poke at me.  I miss my husband and hate the impending holiday good cheer that is everywhere.  It is also the third and final month of my sabbatical and I am not looking forward to January.  Once January starts there will be so much more that I am supposed to be doing. 

Since Bruce died, it is also the time that I remember most about the last 3 months of his life.  We celebrated Thanksgiving with the brand new house in a state of remodel and then immediately after we geared up to finish the kitchen, the flooring and looked forward to settling in to our new life.  This of course never occurred - and within weeks of being almost ready to relax and enjoy the new house-he was gone.  I start to anticipate the anniversary of his death as soon as I put away the Thanksgiving leftovers these last two years.  And I am stuck in the memory of all of the events that followed back in December of 2008 and January of 2009.  I had the flu and he so lovingly worried about me (how ironic).  Once I recovered, we made plans to have an open house and invite our friends.

I still find it hard to believe that he is gone and I am left alone.  While it is true that I am doing better this year than last-I still have the blues.  I have so much to be grateful for and to look forward to.  But that does not stop the sadness - I still manage to feel that it is there-even though I can smile at the new little man in my life and celebrate the upcoming wedding of my son.

I wonder if will always be this way.