I guess it is official. I have debated since Sunday and by now I have officially accepted that I am down in the dumps. I am depressed, sad, - whatever is the label, I am there. There are a bunch of reasons-it is December and usually right after Thanksgiving I feel the tug of the sadness begin to poke at me. I miss my husband and hate the impending holiday good cheer that is everywhere. It is also the third and final month of my sabbatical and I am not looking forward to January. Once January starts there will be so much more that I am supposed to be doing.
Since Bruce died, it is also the time that I remember most about the last 3 months of his life. We celebrated Thanksgiving with the brand new house in a state of remodel and then immediately after we geared up to finish the kitchen, the flooring and looked forward to settling in to our new life. This of course never occurred - and within weeks of being almost ready to relax and enjoy the new house-he was gone. I start to anticipate the anniversary of his death as soon as I put away the Thanksgiving leftovers these last two years. And I am stuck in the memory of all of the events that followed back in December of 2008 and January of 2009. I had the flu and he so lovingly worried about me (how ironic). Once I recovered, we made plans to have an open house and invite our friends.
I still find it hard to believe that he is gone and I am left alone. While it is true that I am doing better this year than last-I still have the blues. I have so much to be grateful for and to look forward to. But that does not stop the sadness - I still manage to feel that it is there-even though I can smile at the new little man in my life and celebrate the upcoming wedding of my son.
I wonder if will always be this way.