The holidays are half over and I made it through without being totally in despair. I went to bed last night and conjured up Bruce-trying hard to place my hand in his hand and remembering that feeling of being with him. I miss him so much this time of year. I spent the last 2 days driving back and forth to my daughters. The drive was tiring but therapeutic - I saw the ocean at my side and felt some renewal. The visit also good for me as I napped with the new little guy in the family and then he smiled at me and all was lovely.
As I tried last night to walk the street hand in hand with Bruce, I felt the tightness in my throat and wanted to cry. The sadness is there even though I recognize it is up to me now to create my future. One of the things that Bruce and I shared was the belief that we are responsible for our own happiness. He held little patience for people who were miserable-and did not at least try to rectify their situation. I must confess I feel the same - but am a bit caught up in my own apathy to change much. Part of the issue is that I am not sure what I would want my life to be, now that I am widowed. It is such an adjustment, the death so shocking that it has taken a long time to fully integrate the notion that he will not be back. Do I really accept that? As my memories fade-I have written before that it seems my past belonged to some other me, but what about my future? My future needs to be written-as I functioned before with some idea of what it would be based on my 34 years with Bruce. Now it needs to be revised and I guess I need to figure out what I am reaching for so that I can work to make it happen.
So I am going to pursue this as well as tackling a new enemy within-resistance. It has taken over me and I glide through my days without getting much done and the ever growing laundry list of things to do is overwhelming. I am capable of moving through this and I will. At least today I feel that I can.