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Monday, December 26, 2011

My Ideal Life

The holidays are half over and I made it through without being totally in despair.  I went to bed last night and conjured up Bruce-trying hard to place my hand in his hand and remembering that feeling of being with him.  I miss him so much this time of year.  I spent the last 2 days driving back and forth to my daughters.  The drive was tiring but therapeutic - I saw the ocean at my side and felt some renewal.  The visit also good for me as I napped with the new little guy in the family and then he smiled at me and all was lovely.

As I tried last night to walk the street hand in hand with Bruce, I felt the tightness in my throat and wanted to cry.  The sadness is there even though I recognize it is up to me now to create my future.  One of the things that Bruce and I shared was the belief that we are responsible for our own happiness.  He held little patience for people who were miserable-and did not at least try to rectify their situation.  I must confess I feel the same - but am a bit caught up in my own apathy to change much.  Part of the issue is that I am not sure what I would want my life to be, now that I am widowed.  It is such an adjustment, the death so shocking that it has taken a long time to fully integrate the notion that he will not be back.  Do I really accept that?  As my memories fade-I have written before that it seems my past belonged to some other me, but what about my future?  My future needs to be written-as I functioned before with some idea of what it would be based on my 34 years with Bruce.  Now it needs to be revised and I guess I need to figure out what I am reaching for so that I can work to make it happen.

So I am going to pursue this as well as tackling a new enemy within-resistance.  It has taken over me and I glide through my days without getting much done and the ever growing laundry list of things to do is overwhelming.  I am capable of moving through this and I will.  At least today I feel that I can.   

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