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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Resilience

Three years ago.  The day after the death and I was numb.  This weekend was difficult but I made it through.  All about being resilient, put one foot in front of the other and do not think so much about the road ahead.  But if that is true, how does you plan, how do you work towards something better? 

There is so much that is not within our control.  I could not imagine life without Bruce but here I am and I am managing.  I am trying to be proactive - to push myself to create a life that is full without him.  I am trying to envision what I want for my future and to actively work at getting it.  Not sure yet what the vision will be but I am trying not to look back but look ahead.  I am up and down mood wise-but so far I am still here.

What a journey these last 3 years have been.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Just when you are ready to get back in the water.....

As a child, I frequently remember sentences that flowed in my brain which could have been the first in a short story or novel.  I still do this today and there were a few that I thought of this morning as I walked my incorrigible beast Bebe.  I thought of the expression "And the other shoe drops" but the one that really said it best appears as the title in the post.

Three years-was I ready to "get back on the horse", start entertaining (literally?) the notion that there is someone else out there to cuddle with and be my friend?  So I plunged in.  These past few weeks have been an experiment with the new computer age dating scene.  Although I have decided that I may not be ready for this sort of thing, it was an interesting ride.  I am okay-a bit down in the dumps after being up in the clouds but there it is.  There may be life after Bruce, or at least a new chapter-but I think that chapter will need to wait to be written.







Friday, February 3, 2012

Turning the corner revisited

I have learned so much about myself and the nature of loss.  I am coming up to the 3rd anniversary of Bruce's death.  Three years and it seems like a lifetime.  But at this point I can look back and sometimes I can see ahead.  I can see some good things in the future for me.  Something new-for when I saw Bruce on the ground the day he died-I thought that my life was over.

And perhaps that is true.  The life that I had with Bruce is over.  What I could not see and even now what remains a mystery is what my next life will be like.  It is like a bunch of short stories-each one standing alone but in some way connected.  I am doing okay for the moment.  Ready for the next short story.  Cognizant that there will be moments that pull me back a bit to the life that I lived before and the longing for that life to continue.

We are so individual in our loss-at least that is true of all the women that I have met.  We are colored by our anxieties, our issues and the nature of our relationships.  If I were to reflect on what has guided me the most in this journey is that I have tried to be patient with myself and with others.  I could never predict what each day would bring.  I tried hard to see some good things, to be open to comfort and care wherever it presented itself.  The couch and reruns of Law and Order were the things most comforting in the beginning until I sought professional help and medication.  There are no rules to this trauma and the way we "should respond".  I just have to put one foot in front of the other and have some faith that there will be good days ahead.