I have learned so much about myself and the nature of loss. I am coming up to the 3rd anniversary of Bruce's death. Three years and it seems like a lifetime. But at this point I can look back and sometimes I can see ahead. I can see some good things in the future for me. Something new-for when I saw Bruce on the ground the day he died-I thought that my life was over.
And perhaps that is true. The life that I had with Bruce is over. What I could not see and even now what remains a mystery is what my next life will be like. It is like a bunch of short stories-each one standing alone but in some way connected. I am doing okay for the moment. Ready for the next short story. Cognizant that there will be moments that pull me back a bit to the life that I lived before and the longing for that life to continue.
We are so individual in our loss-at least that is true of all the women that I have met. We are colored by our anxieties, our issues and the nature of our relationships. If I were to reflect on what has guided me the most in this journey is that I have tried to be patient with myself and with others. I could never predict what each day would bring. I tried hard to see some good things, to be open to comfort and care wherever it presented itself. The couch and reruns of Law and Order were the things most comforting in the beginning until I sought professional help and medication. There are no rules to this trauma and the way we "should respond". I just have to put one foot in front of the other and have some faith that there will be good days ahead.