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Saturday, April 28, 2012

Adjustments

I had never lived on my own before Bruce died and I knew that it would take some time before I got used to the emptiness of my solitary life.  I have adjusted.  While it is true that I come home to the cat's meows and Bebe's barking-it is far quieter a place since Bruce has been gone.  There were many changes post loss. For example-the idea that there was no "honey do" list to be completed by another.  If I did not pick up the dog food - no one else would. 

So three years plus later, I turn the handle and walk into the house and am not struck by the absence of my spouse. I am used to the quiet and the control that I have over my space.  And the question emerges-will it always be this way and will I be able to adjust back to the presence of another.  It takes work to adjust.  My entree into the dating world has taught me that.  It is exhausting to figure out the code and to decipher the signals.  How much do I want to put in the effort and what is the return?

I am tentative.  I enjoy the intimacy, and the affection.  I enjoy the company and the idea that there is someone out there who has at least a preliminary investment in my companionship.  But this is hard work.  There are emotional ups and downs and I am totally distracted by my feelings and thoughts.  I have a hard time thinking where all this will lead and I am trying hard not to go there-to just take what comes and enjoy what I can.

More later.

1 comment:

  1. My thoughts are very similar. I also never lived on my own. Meeting my husband was almost like how you met yours...one day he just walked into my life and it was good. Now that I'm 31 years older the landscape has drastically changed.

    Being young and "boy crazy" is not the same when we're middle-age. I am hopeful but realistic. As you have already noted, men in the appropriate age range are either divorced, widowed or maybe "mama's boys?" And I am no longer naive.

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