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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Filling the Void

Coping with my loss has been like filling a huge hole in my front yard.  I have images as I write this of the burial site-a coffin sized pit that needs to be filled.  Such is the void that opens us before us.  Some of the women that I have met fill the hole with projects and activities.  Some venture on trips, or join new groups.  I am not sure what I did to cope with the emptiness for the past 3 years.  Perhaps, there were times that I refused to be proactive, instead hell bent on confronting the loss head on as if the sooner that I immersed myself in ti-the sooner that I would be "over it".

It does not work that way.  My newest attempt to fill the void is about dating.  It may be that being exposed to a new male in my life is just another attempt to "fill the void"?  Can someone step in and become that significant other?  This too is an adjustment and like many of the things that confront me after the loss-it is so much more complicated than it seems at first glance.  So I have been "out there", dating and opening myself up to a male companion.  Emotionally - the terrain is extremely bumpy.  I am so labile-first beside myself with excitement and delight and then down in the dumps and sad.  
And also confused.  Where do my issues end and his begin?  So much baggage and none on wheels to ease the burden.

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