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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Adjustments - Part 2

Life is a series of adjustments.  Some are monumental - like the loss of a spouse or the birth of a new baby.  Both have occurred within the past three years.  In a few weeks another change is on the horizon.  My son will get married and embark on the next phase of his adult life.  I have been surprisingly matter of fact about the upcoming nuptials.  I adore his bride-a sweet and caring young woman who has brought much comfort to me.  But lately I am aware that my mood is rather dark.  Am I feeling sad that my husband won't be around to witness the marriage of his son-is that what my latest mood is about?  Not sure.  I do know that I am feeling overwhelmed and there is a perpetual lump in my throat.

Over the past few months there have been changes.  I am dating, my mother moved from my childhood home and now my son will take a bride.  The emotional landscape that accompanies this could be volcanic.  I am unsure however what the unrest is about.  It seems that I am overwhelmed by the tasks associated with the changes-maybe an easy excuse to avoid contemplating the changes themselves?  The dating brought about excitement and joy-then insecurity.  I am enjoying the company but have trouble moving beyond and lowering my expectations.  I am trying to lay low and take one day at a time.  My mother's move has uncovered some deep seated concern about her health and my guilt in not easing her way-although to be honest she did not want me to help.  So the little girl in me was re stimulated and I had some of the same feelings that I had as a child.  The upcoming nuptials reinforce my loss and the understanding that I am indeed a "party of one"-waving goodbye to my children as they tend to their own nuclear family.

So much to happen-and I am alone in it.  I guess it was easier to deal with the changes when Bruce was alive.  Although he did not always share my sentiments-he shared in the history and had his own reactions to the changes.  Most of the changes now are good-but that does not always mean that they are easy to accept and deal with.