Life is a series of adjustments. Some are monumental - like the loss of a spouse or the birth of a new baby. Both have occurred within the past three years. In a few weeks another change is on the horizon. My son will get married and embark on the next phase of his adult life. I have been surprisingly matter of fact about the upcoming nuptials. I adore his bride-a sweet and caring young woman who has brought much comfort to me. But lately I am aware that my mood is rather dark. Am I feeling sad that my husband won't be around to witness the marriage of his son-is that what my latest mood is about? Not sure. I do know that I am feeling overwhelmed and there is a perpetual lump in my throat.
Over the past few months there have been changes. I am dating, my mother moved from my childhood home and now my son will take a bride. The emotional landscape that accompanies this could be volcanic. I am unsure however what the unrest is about. It seems that I am overwhelmed by the tasks associated with the changes-maybe an easy excuse to avoid contemplating the changes themselves? The dating brought about excitement and joy-then insecurity. I am enjoying the company but have trouble moving beyond and lowering my expectations. I am trying to lay low and take one day at a time. My mother's move has uncovered some deep seated concern about her health and my guilt in not easing her way-although to be honest she did not want me to help. So the little girl in me was re stimulated and I had some of the same feelings that I had as a child. The upcoming nuptials reinforce my loss and the understanding that I am indeed a "party of one"-waving goodbye to my children as they tend to their own nuclear family.
So much to happen-and I am alone in it. I guess it was easier to deal with the changes when Bruce was alive. Although he did not always share my sentiments-he shared in the history and had his own reactions to the changes. Most of the changes now are good-but that does not always mean that they are easy to accept and deal with.