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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Loneliness revisited

So much to drag me down these days.  The summer always brings back special memories of vacations - especially as I watch all around me plan trips with their significant others.  Plus there is the cleaning out of Bruce's things, the break-up of the first relationship after Bruce (my choice but still sad).  I also witnessed the wedding of my son - the feeling that my children are now very involved in their own lives and not mine is a reminder of my solitaryness. 
I am a bit pessimistic about the future - it is hard to imagine that I will not be alone for the duration.  And I want so much to be okay with this-but in reality I miss waking up next to someone.  I miss having someone to come home to. 
Trying to stay in the moment and have that moment be okay.
Trying to appreciate the sun and the mountains, my friends and my family.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Back where I started?

It has been lonely around here lately and I anxiously looked forward to the end of the school year but was not sure what I was waiting for.  The summer looms ahead with plenty of work to do and not much that is exciting.  I remain in the dumps and am trying to flip my attitude and plan something good.

This weekend I am going to tackle the start of the purge-getting rid of things from the past-both his and mine.
I am hoping that it will renew me a bit-but I think it will require some effort on my part to get past this hurdle.

Friday, June 1, 2012

And so it goes.....

Hard week, hard month and I am sad.  Funny how the pace of life is sometimes so full and then it is not.
Last week was a trip with a "significant other", followed by my son's wedding.  So-confronted with grief street once again.  Turned the corner and then here I am again.  Said goodbye to the significant other, and my role as the MVP in my son's life (while maybe this is over dramatizing things a bit).  Sure would have been easier to complain to Bruce about the latter.  And so it goes.....

Taking a breath, hoping to move past the latest emotional turmoil and then back out online to see if there is anyone waiting in the wings.  I do miss the fact that even though he was emotionally unavailable, there was someone there.  But he was totally closed off and it was too much work.  It is all too hard-but I guess I need to continue to try.

Hard to be resilient these days.