It occurred to me that I want to start every entry with the phrase "Since Bruce died....."
There are few things that have so marked my life-so I guess I think about the line drawn with the death.
Pre death, post death.
I am still the same me-but the world I live in is so different. For one thing, I am learning to call in the troops. Relying on others is very difficult for me. Part of that was the disappointment I faced as a child and a young adult. Hard to count on people and so it made me realize that I needed to take care of myself. I imagined a strong woman, able to care for herself who never had to ask for help. I could do and manage everything. Bruce fed this image of me as Super Girl. And when I reached out and needed something-there were times that the reality was startling as there was no one there.
I have since understood that people are very preoccupied and that although they may wish to help, they are overbooked and time gets away from all of us. I am learning to give freely and not judge when others cannot do the same. Calling in the troops this summer has meant that I think creatively about getting help. I have paid an organizer, established a group of high school students to help with house stuff, and even recruited a bunch of students to help with a research project.
My latest call for help relates to the emotional turmoil that I wrote about in the last post. So Tuesday since my therapist is out of town, we did a phone session, yesterday I had an appointment with my rabbi and last eve my psychiatrist. I cannot survive in this world completely independently-we all need some help and I am not afraid to pay for it!