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Sunday, August 26, 2012

Home - Part 3

This morning I attempted to go to a morning of wellness with some friends.  As I drove closer to my destination a feeling of sadness engulfed me.  Since I returned to California, I have had a lump in my throat-
I do not usually cry-not even sure how I can push myself to this release but it does not happen.  I feel the lump and my eyes threaten to fill with tears and then nothing.

I made some excuses and then headed "home".  My haven-my place where time stops and I have some measure of control.  There really is a sense of security for me at home.  I will spend the day wrapped in this cocoon and hopefully will be able to venture out tomorrow for work.

Not sure what triggered this latest emotional landmine.  Was it the fact that New Jersey reminded me of the Pennsylvania where we raised our family?  Was it seeing my mom settled in her new home?  Was it the return home to a place where Bruce no longer existed?  Is it the promise of the Fall Academic Year - the close of the summer?  The upcoming holidays and the acknowledgement that my husband would have been 58 years old?  Is it the loneliness?  The lack of a warm human body next to me in the morning-appreciating me, loving me, even being annoyed by me but yet still present-always present?

I get so tired of the work of keeping this all going.  My shoulders are thin and I feel the weight.  I know that I can do it but wish that it was easier.  Maybe home is the solution today-and maybe that is enough...... 

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