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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Roller Coaster World

I think that I have always been an emotional person, very passionate and dramatic.  The highs and lows though take a toll and it is exhausting.  Being caught up in loss has made me re-examine myself, have I always been so up and down?   So impulsive?  Trying to live in the moment makes it difficult to examine the past and the past "me".

There is definitely an up side to passion and drama.  Life is exciting, stimulating and motivating.  My kids accuse me of falling in and out of "love", and the beginning and end of these short relationships are extremely taxing.  Being caught up in the re-awakening of my senses is also distracting.  I guess I see the positives but am a bit concerned about the impact of these short bursts of super charged emotions. Of course, intellectually it all makes sense.  Woman faces sudden loss after 34 years of marriage, woman a bit unhinged, gets some control over life, but remains depressed, then is reawakened and starts to become re-acquainted with the world, with men and affairs of the heart. 

I do not want to lose the passion and enthusiasm for my life.  I believe it is an asset that I can get excited about small things-like an ice cream cone on a beautiful SoCal day.  But I also would love to tame the side effects of the excitement a bit.  Is there a drug for that?  Would meditation be an answer?  I guess it is time to explore.

Yes, the roller coaster ride continues and I am hanging on.  I give myself some credit for being brave - after all I am afraid of heights-maybe not the emotional kind-but who knows?

2 comments:

  1. Your posts always hit the right note. I have emerged from the intense grief stage and am experiencing the "re-awakening" of my senses. The highs & lows have always been a part of me but He was there to absorb the energy and soften the edges. I am hopeful that another man would be able to share the roller coaster with me and the "idea" of it is exciting.

    I am lonely for the dinner dates, movie nights, the holding hands, the special looks, the surprise gifts, the sharing, and the love.

    Yes, I can "live & breathe" as a single woman and maybe I was always a bit of a loner but I always had him by my side.

    I think I'm still "me" although obviously different by widowhood. We're always told that we can choose to be happy, etc. I wonder...

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  2. Yes, it has been an interesting summer and the grief seems to permeate our world. This reawakening is good I am told although it presents another set of challenges.
    We should meet for coffee sometime and chat.

    Hang in there,

    Jill

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