Ahhh, the Holidays that take place in the fall - Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur force us to stop and think. We review our past and make vows to do better in the future. We stick to a very small unit-a year....
So this past year has been hard but hard in the different way than the previous years since Bruce's death. It has been a year of awakening. I started last year embarking on a road never experienced as I witnessed and participated in the birth of my grandson. He is all that is good and renewing in my world. My raison d'etre. His presence pushed me to experience other aspects of a once abandoned activity. Being social has not come easy but has resulted in many rewards and distractions.
Multiple ways of perceiving-there are so many positive and negatives inherent in my life right now-thus the title of this blog entry.
Of course the loss and the aftermath of the loss. The financial constraints, workload burden (career and then the house and taking care of a dog and cat with health problems that not only cost lots of money but also involve frequent trips to vets and pet stores), the loneliness in the middle of the night, the lack of focus, the sadness that sometimes engulfs me.
But there are joys:
My grandson! His smile, his recognition of me as someone that is in his life. I think I obsess about his knowing me partially because he will never know Bruce. It affirms my presence in the world as my family sphere has gotten smaller and I have less influence over my offspring.
My children! They are so there for me. Ready to listen (sometimes the sorrow is that I get lots of feedback about my behavior and not all of it is good-funny how this reverses. When they are young - you shape their behavior -when you are older they attempt to shape yours!) But they are here, close by and I am grateful.
My family! How lucky I am to have so many family members within a 100 mile radius! My aunt (like an older sister-and we are so alike), my large group of cousins-they are all so much a part of my life and I so enjoy them. This month, my nephew moved to LA and I will relish getting to know him better. Family to me is everything-they represent the people that I am connected to - that I did not have to choose. There is an ease there.
My ever widening group of friends-my widows, my knitters, my colleagues, my comrade in arms. I can hardly keep up but they are so wonderful, so entertaining, such a good distraction.
My mental health team-how lucky I am to have a great therapist, psychiatrist and rabbi!
The new men in my life deserve a mention here. The online adventure in dating has become fun. Coffee dates bring interesting people in interesting venues.
Work, a challenge still to crack-I am trying so hard to manage my time and my energy.
So as I rap up this Holiday blog-I am grateful that I can still see the flip side of my life. There is a sadness that will be with me forever-a detour down a road I thought was open wide as I raced down. I am realizing that though the road is closed ahead - there may be others that open to me.
I wait at the intersection.