Every now and then I am acutely aware of what I have lost. As I have written about before-this grief experience has many layers. Even in the midst of the online dating world-I remember vaguely what it felt like to be loved and to be comfortable in the semi-permanent nature of my married state. I am on a see-saw of emotions these days. One minute I am in love, the next I am in despair, worried that the object of my current affection is not interested. It feels good to be in the spotlight of someone's attention-but that too is a reminder of the pain of being left and the heartache of the loss.
Past joy is not enough for me. It does not sustain or comfort me. It does not make up for disappointment or concern about the future.
And it is so hard to adjust and to lower expectations.