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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Attitude Adjustment

I always believed that it is not about what happens to you-it really is about how you receive what happens.  Well, maybe I did not always believe this but over time-living with Bruce, I understood this all too well.  And I do accept this-that it really is about attitude.  Even in the light of bad things happening-the one escape from bad things is the attitude adjustment.  Earlier this year, I blogged about flipping things-looking on the flip side to be grateful and appreciative.  It seems that lately-I have lost that ability.  I am stuck in a black hole of bad attitude.  I am sad, am anxious, insecure and unnerved.  I am concerned for my future-me, trying to stay in the moment, am plagued by all sorts of future worries.  I am desperately in need of an attitude adjustment.

So how shall I start this process?  It may not make sense to try and understand why I am like this now except to say that maybe I need to re prioritize. Maybe I need to make peace with cutting things out?  Not sure how best to begin.  I only know that an attitude adjustment needs to happen.  I am grateful for the good things in my life-and I do have good things.  Definitely time to re-frame.  I will get back to you.


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

On the Magic Pill

Well, it was bound to happen.  After a summer of ups and downs-I hit bottom.  Not sure what started the downward slide.  Bruce's birthday, the birthday of my son and grandson, family time, new relationships - I just know that I am overwhelmed and not coping well with the flood of emotions.

I am also 3 weeks off medication.  So what does life without medication mean?  Is it that the emotional me takes center stage and I am less able to modulate the "noise"?  I have been home now for 2 days-trying hard to get some breathing room before being overstimulated by the world outside.
And the world does encroach, the guilt about the work piling up does not help me to settle.  I finally sought some professional help and the medication is back in my life.  Am I backsliding?  And what does it even mean-do I really think that we are all just progressing forward.  Is this journey just about making progress - doing better - feeling better?

Big questions, no answers right now-just know that it is time to try and manage the small things in my life.  I guess the big questions can be put on hold as I struggle to cope with the day to day.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Re-Focusing

The Fall for me is a time of reflection.  It used to be my favorite time of the year-a time to get back to basics and I loved the scenery and the change of weather and back to school supply shopping.  Since Bruce died it has been a hard time of the year for me.  Now I think of the end of the summer without him, the start of the school year without him and the Jewish holidays, his birthday and the beginning of the slow climb to the end of the year and the beginning of a new one.

This summer was an emotional roller coaster as I fully embraced the dating thing.  There were highs and lows as is true of any roller coaster ride.  Sometimes I was thrilled, other times anticipating the worst.  I also sustained an injury and nursed a convalescent dog and chronically ill cat.  But I survived and now am trying to recover my balance a bit.

Throughout it all-I realized that I have lost some focus.  I am thinking about the future and not finding any comfort there.  So it is time to 1)either stop projecting about tomorrow - since I really do not know what is ahead or 2)reframe all of this and find some positives to look forward to.  OR BOTH.

I am realizing that the emotional roller coaster is something that I own.  It is totally me - since I am now without medication and so have no little magic pill to lean on.  Time to take things day to day and stop ruminating about what was or what will be.  Easy to say-hard to do.  Welcome to my world.


Monday, October 8, 2012

The Push

Was I always this pushy?  It seems that I put 120% into some of the activities that I engage in these days.  And I am not content to just sit and wait for things to happen.  Why? 

When did this start?  While I agree that it is important to be focused and proactive, I think that I go overboard in my pursuits.  It colors everything and then I tire and sit back and wait. Drive myself crazy with the "wanting" and "waiting".  And I am so tired to trying to hard to capture some sort of warranty for happiness.  Am a bit distressed that I have to put in so much effort to assuage my loneliness.


Sunday, October 7, 2012

Births and Deaths

Two things to acknowledge this weekend.  My grandson was 1 on October 2nd and we celebrated his birthday with a big birthday blowout.  Family was in and we all had a wonderful time immersing ourselves in his celebration. 

Today was my husband's birthday and he would have been 58 years old.  So we recognize the life cycle in the birth of some and the death of others.

Interesting to pair these two things together -  happiness tinged with sadness,  celebration and regret, loneliness amidst the crowd.

Hard to understand the universe sometimes.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Holding my heart

Does anybody know
How to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't wanna let go
Let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so
Before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't wanna let go
Let go, let go of you 
 
I heard this song this morning and it resonated with me. 
Emotional turmoil seems to have me paralyzed these days. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Seasons

We have entered the season, the time of the year that leads to the stockpile of sadness.  For me, it starts with the Jewish high holidays and then Bruce's birthday and then Thanksgiving and the Christmas break, New Years eve and then the anniversary of his death. 
Most of the widows that I know have periods of time when the loss calendar is overwhelming.  Too many events that bring to mind the past lives that we led.  Too many occasions to acknowledge our solitariness.   Too many chances that crystallize all the reasons why our lives have taken a dramatic turn.

And yet here I am.  So this year, what is different?  Today marks the first birthday of my greatest gift-my grandson.  His presence on the planet reminds me of all that is good in my life and all that may come to be.  He smiles at me and I realize that he carries past generations - he is part of what I loss.  My delight, my love, my devotion to him is endless.  He has opened my heart and I am grateful.  And although there are plenty of reasons to be sad as the time of the year encroaches-the joy that I feel when I think of him softens the sadness.

Happy First Birthday to the little man!