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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

On the Magic Pill

Well, it was bound to happen.  After a summer of ups and downs-I hit bottom.  Not sure what started the downward slide.  Bruce's birthday, the birthday of my son and grandson, family time, new relationships - I just know that I am overwhelmed and not coping well with the flood of emotions.

I am also 3 weeks off medication.  So what does life without medication mean?  Is it that the emotional me takes center stage and I am less able to modulate the "noise"?  I have been home now for 2 days-trying hard to get some breathing room before being overstimulated by the world outside.
And the world does encroach, the guilt about the work piling up does not help me to settle.  I finally sought some professional help and the medication is back in my life.  Am I backsliding?  And what does it even mean-do I really think that we are all just progressing forward.  Is this journey just about making progress - doing better - feeling better?

Big questions, no answers right now-just know that it is time to try and manage the small things in my life.  I guess the big questions can be put on hold as I struggle to cope with the day to day.

1 comment:

  1. It's a slippery slope trying to make everything be alright again. The hour before dawn is emotionally difficult for me. It was when he got off of work and I could hear the rumble of the car in the driveway. I realize that I'm still listening for him to drive home.

    It will be Two Years soon and I don't understand why people think that the passage of time will be easier for me. If anything, time just emphasizes the finality of his death. We are not backsliding...we may be the only ones that are truly living reality.

    Everyone else has to wait for their time.