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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

One foot in front of another

Obviously I continue to be challenged by my life on grief street.  The landscape of loss is vast, and brings with it all of the issues that follow us throughout our lives.  We are colored by our past and it is difficult to shed those things that have shaped us-even if unhealthy, even if we know that we need to move forward.

I struggle with being invisible, with honoring my commitments, with being the best I can be and with taking on too much.  In a few weeks I will be acknowledging my 38th wedding anniversary-and the man that knew my foibles and could anticipate the thin ice before I walked on it is gone.   It is not that my life is only full of new challenges - it is that the newest challenge is that my life is very singular.  Yes there are some new challenges, lots of new challenges, but there are common themes that some of the new challenges can be organized around. 

I guess that after years of therapy-I can say that this too shall pass.  Bumps in the road are common-especially in my life.  Yes, it defines me somewhat-those patches where catastrophe ensues.  I do need to move forward-one foot in front of the other.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

A Black Hole

Is it the time of the year that makes me so contemplative?  I am glad that I have survived some of the pain of the loss but it is hard to keep my head up these days.  I am overwhelmed lately-an emotion that is not unfamiliar to me.   Too much to do, too little energy-sometime too little control over things.  My schedule is relentless, and the fact that I cannot always function - having one hand partially out of commission, is both irritating and a bit frightening.  How can I manage?  How will I move forward?  What do I need to do to move past these hurdles that seem impossible?

I try not to think about such things but my days are full of worries.  Money, time, disability-and me-only me to deal with it.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Life On Grief Street

Four years ago today-I woke up and went to the gym with my husband.  By mid morning my life had dramatically changed. Although it may seem this way-today is not only about the death of my husband - it is also about my journey since.
Today I am acknowledging me as well-that I am still standing, and that my life is okay.

It has been a long time between entries.  Many challenges still confront me  and I continue to heal from  my dog bite injury in November.  I had a second surgery and much pain and disability.  I still struggle with the recovery process-doctor's appointments, catching up on work that was already overdue when I was injured.  Dismal when I dwell on it and I try not to dwell.  For awhile I was counting the things that were going wrong in my life and decided that I needed to let those things pass me by and try and capture the good things.  There are good things!

My grandson will be 17 months old and is an awesome little boy
My family and friends are a great source of help and comfort-so lucky to have wonderful people in my life
I have a special man who has helped to nurse me back to health

All in all- I have emerged from the nightmare intact.  Yes, if I had the chance I would go back to my life the way it was four years ago-but there is no time machine to do this. 

So today I will think about my husband on this four year mark.  My children will be with me and we will visit the grave and tell stories about time past.  I imagine that we will laugh and cry.  He was my love for 34 years and we grew up together and raised two fantastic people.  I miss him so much.