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Monday, April 29, 2013


Transitions, as I wrote about yesterday deserve and dictate introspection.  Not that I have ever needed an opportunity to analyze my life.  I know that I am too analytical-that I take apart every aspect of my life and that has been problematic for me in the past.  Of course, the death and subsequent change in my life was accompanied by lots of thinking.  I have tried to let my mind wander and not censor my thoughts.  I do not believe that I seek to find meaning in the events that have occurred-many aspects of our life do not hold profound secrets for us.  They are just random events that happen.

I think I engage in the analysis to find my way for the future.  I have been so derailed by the events of the past 4 years-so many challenges and so little energy to move past the obstacles.  But the most important question is the question about the importance of climbing the hurdles-what lies on the other side and is it worth the effort?  Is this really what I want in light of who I am right now?  Where should I put the precious sparse energy that I have lately?

So events have led me to a place where I can hopefully begin to ask these questions.  I am on a medical leave as my recent health problems have devastated me.  I am overwhelmed most of the time and realize that the loss has added a layer of emotional turmoil that easily spills over and leaves me unable.
I also have just completed some training to become an integrative nurse coach and that also enables me to gain some interesting insights.  The questions that have been posited include:

What is your hope, your deepest hope?
What gets in the way of realizing it?

I need to think about this and move towards it.......

Sunday, April 28, 2013


All of us move through transitions in our lives...... Some of them seemingly go unnoticed, some are celebrated, some bring about grief.  There are small changes that have an impact beyond the magnitude.  There are tsunamis like the death of a spouse-and the transitions continue to occur long after the actual event.
I once said that since I was married for 34 years it might take as long to come to get a handle on the loss.
I think the largest transition is the solitary life that accompanies the loss of my spouse.  It has been more than 4 years..... And yet on a daily basis I am struck by the emptiness in my house.  I have written before about the loneliness.  It goes deeper - I miss the offhand remarks made in response to the world as we live it.  The fact that the weather outside is cold, the latest news flash about the bombing in Boston, the fact that Twinkles will be back on the market......  Some of these events are trivial, and don't require commentary.  But by and large the fact that for many years there was someone there and now there is no one-saddens me.  I need my alone time but do not like living alone.....