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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Control

I have always been a bit of a control freak.  I do not like getting too inebriated because I do not feel in control of my self.  And I have always been very disciplined about my schedule.  Since Bruce died I have been struggling with control.  It is almost as if I went on autopilot after the death.  The result: everything is totally out of control.  My schedule, my workload, my finances etc. etc......

Time to take charge but I find myself somewhat without the motivation to do this.  My lists lack specifics, and I am trying hard to make my calendar ordered with things to do and time earmarked for each task.

Is there a magic pill for this too?

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

My Life revisited

Ugggh.  I have been feeling down lately and licking my wounds.  Brings to my mind such a visual of a wounded dog licking a huge gaping bleeding wound.  I am dramatic these days.

Recently I was told that I was undisciplined.  That comment made me sit up and take note and I realized that it was true.  Did Bruce help me structure?  For sure, and since he died my attempts at organizing my life have failed miserably.  He grounded me, he goaded me into being productive.  He was a motivating force for all who knew him.  With his co-authors, he was without mercy on deadlines and with his family, one of his favorite sayings was "just do it".

So I need to get some structure-even though I want to crawl under the bed and pretend that everything will get done without effort.  I would rather just lay and lick those wounds but nothing will heal that way.