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Monday, October 28, 2013

Narcissism

I was always proud of the fact that I could put my own needs aside for others.  And it may be that I have always been a bit too willing to be other directed.  Since Bruce died though, I am much more focused on myself and my needs or on the fact that my needs seem to be like a dry well with no apparent bottom.  Every now and then, I come to my senses and confront my narcissism - and ask "is this really all about me?" And then I try and think beyond myself and acknowledge that we are all struggling with our own personal issues.  Quite frankly, mostly alone, and mostly just trying to deal with the challenges coming our way.  Often too, without consideration of other people-because if you cannot help yourself-you really cannot think about anything else.

Case in point-my need to bring closure to loss and to be present to acknowledge the loss when so far away.  I am very focused on losing people I love - so ultra-sensitive about this because of Bruce.  But the loss may belong to others and I may not be included in the acknowledgement.  How do I deal with that?  Where does my need to deal with a loss interfere with the coping mechanisms of others-especially those who really own the loss.  I missed a Memorial Service, but this was not mine to plan or be part of - yet I acutely feel the loss.  How will I deal with getting over with it and moving on.  How do I leave it behind?




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