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Thursday, November 28, 2013


Today is the first day of Chanukah and Thanksgiving.  Cause to celebrate?  Thanksgiving is my holiday and honestly I did not have my usual exciting feeling that usually accompanies the day.  Been so in the doldrums that I was sure that I would not be able to complete the task.  As is usual, I am having 20 for dinner.  All my west coast family members come: children, grandchild, cousins, aunt, and nephew.

But I seem to be okay and the day is proceeding fairly smoothly.  The 21 pound turkey is in the oven and is stuffed and smelling luscious.  As dictated by my grandson, I made an apple pie yesterday and that looks fine.  My daughter made a challah and ice cream-items usually made by my husband.

Bottom line?  This day will be fine and I need to be fine.  I need to stop wallowing.  The relationship that ended was pretty dismal-less and less of what I wanted.  It was bound to end, unfortunately it ended sooner than I would have liked because it was an excellent distraction and offered me some intimacy.  I try to have low expectations-but maybe I was happy with too little.

While I have been wallowing - I have been processing.  Or maybe over processing.  The ending of a 34 year relationship is reason to contemplate the state of the universe.  I wish I could just dog paddle along until I found something else to do but that is not going to happen.  I have no energy to keep all of those balls in the air.  Trying to find what interests me is overwhelming-I cannot even come up with a book to read or TV show to watch.  Life seems devoid of pleasures.  I need to engage but difficult to know what to engage with.  I guess I will just have to "fake it till I make it".  And remember the mantra-this too shall pass.

Horrible time of the year to be sad-but January is right around the corner with additional challenges.  Maybe I am not up for those-but there really are no choices.  Time moves on……...

Monday, November 25, 2013

The Doldrums

Horrible Sunday-just horrible.  I was sad and there was nothing to distract me.  I searched for Law and Order reruns and could find nothing.  I needed to work but had no desire.  I did not even want to knit.

How can I get past this-this absolute I hate life feeling?  What do I want and how do I get it? I realize that I hold the key but do not even know where the door is.  I need to generate some excitement but am at a loss as to how to do it.  It does not seem to be enough to just put one foot in front of another-I have lost the path and am just wandering.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Both Sides Now

I have been making plans to change my life - really change.  With that comes lots of anxiety, and some sadness.  Am I leaving my old life because I could not measure up, is it true that with the death of my spouse, there was a death of my motivation and passion?

I could turn this around and say that I am making a choice-a choice that I have been contemplating for a long time and that the decision is made from strength not failure.

But if does not feel that way.  In addition, I am concerned about finances, how will I live without my position-aren't I too young to retire and too old to switch gears?  My self-concept was that of a professor, can I truly recreate my identity now?  What will I do?  How can I recover from this burn-out and recapture some joy?

Can I really not look back and feel comfortable not knowing what is ahead?

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Revisiting the Past

I have been contemplating the past few weeks and still am trying to figure out what happened.  It seems to be a theme in my life that loss events are sudden and unplanned and I am unprepared to handle them.  The death of my husband was a sudden shocking thing and I still look back and wonder if there were any clues.  Did Bruce not feel well the day before?  Was his minor surgery a few weeks before a catalyst?  If we had not gone to the gym - would we have averted the massive heart attack that claimed his life?

Similar to that is the sudden break-up of a 14 month relationship.  When did he decide that our relationship needed to end?  Why?  I understand that it is not productive to try and figure this out-but I still end up thinking about it.

As with Bruce's death, the evenings are the hardest.  I come home to the empty house and am despondent that this will be my future.  Alone and lonely.  Wanting but not getting.  I never thought I was that person who needed an intimate partner-but I guess I do.  I wonder if the many years spent married - led me to want that connection.  I wish I did not want this so badly.


Monday, November 18, 2013

Law and Order

I have always been a big fan of Law and Order.  Law and Order, Law and Order: Criminal Intent, Law and Order: SVU.  When Bruce died, I would hug the couch in the afternoon and wrap myself in a blanket and watch Law and Order.  These days I find myself doing the same thing.  Definitely, Law and Order time as I continue to be assailed by crises and catastrophes.

Today I woke up and did not feel like crying.  And then I backed out of my garage and hit my neighbor's car.  I feel like the universe is against me.  Too much to deal with.

So I am crawling into bed and turning on the TV.  I bet you can guess what I am watching.

Sunday, November 17, 2013


First weekend alone in a while.  It occurred to me last night, as I was trying to sleep, that this all is a period of adjustment.  I guess you get used to everything, and I will too - get used to being alone again.

Yes, I am really sad and really anxious about the future. Not just the singleness of my life but the changes that I need to make and the very uncertain journey ahead.  Bruce would say that I should be excited not nervous-but I have never been too good about forecasting or envisioning things.  He would have also agreed with that as well.

I will plan and keep fingers crossed that the adjustment will be okay and that time will take care of things for me.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Being capable of love

I have thought a bit lately of people I have met who are incapable of loving another.  The last two men I have dated seem to fit in this category.  Is there some warning label that I missed when I first had coffee with them? 

I guess I am lucky because I can love another deeply as evidenced by my lengthy marriage.  Our relationship was not always easy but we hung in there-using each other as anchors in a world fraught with challenges and disappointments.  But the other side of being able to love deeply is to want to be loved deeply as well.  Is it commitment-phobia?  Maybe.  But I think it goes deeper than that.  Maybe it has something to do with how we define love.  I am not sure-but I become concerned as I contemplate the future and the possibility that the only men out there are ones that do not have the ability to love another person.  They have been alone for awhile, have had failed relationships and continue every now and again to try and assuage their being alone with a companion.  After awhile, that relationship fails as well.  I am the damaged goods-the product of at least one experience with a person incapable of love.  I only wish I had read the signs.

I guess as I move into the years after career building and child rearing, I am more sure that I do not want to live the rest of my life alone.  I knew that I would feel this way soon after being widowed.  And I do enjoy having a warm body next to me when I wake up in the morning, and my dog is not the warm body I crave.  I seem to have been willing to take what I got when I really wanted more.  How do we negotiate this?  Is being alone worse than being in a relationship with someone incapable of emotional intimacy?  Is that the choice that I need to make? 

Thursday, November 14, 2013


I am slowly coming to some decisions about my life as it is now.  Yes, I was devastated by the losses in the past few weeks.  It has made me feel a bit hopeless and alone.  I enjoyed the daily calls and the weekly distractions.  This coming weekend will be difficult-my first alone in a long time.

It has pushed me into making some big life decisions.  I need some excitement - some enjoyment from the day to day.  I no longer find this in my work and in turn since my work has been so difficult and unsuccessful-it only reinforces my misery.  I would love to think that I can find something to do that I could love.  That I could wake up each day and look forward to something, rather than waking up to the awful realization that there is nothing in the day that will bring me joy.

I realize that it is up to me-that I could work on re-framing this all, but it is just too hard and it has been for awhile.  It has been a rough trek, first Bruce's death, then injuries, and then the recent losses.  I would like to stop focusing on all the bad-and stop counting the catastrophes.   

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Another in the series

Today I had another loss.  The man I had been seeing for the 14 months called it quits.  It came as a surprise to me - and of course is accompanied by lots of sadness.  So I mourn for the relationship I had with him as well as the life that I had previously.

I feel hopeless-I guess a common response to this latest event.  I wonder how I can continue to put one foot in front of another.  I have been lonely-even though I had this relationship.  It was a 2 day a week thing-and at times frustrating.  But it was something-someone who was at the other end of the phone-someone who I felt loved me.  Not only do I feel betrayed by him-but I also feel a bit betrayed by myself-that I continued in a relationship that seemed to offer me so little.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Sunday blues

For as long as I can remember there was always something sad about Sunday eve.  So tonight I am sad.  Alone and sad.  Overwhelmed and sad.

Finally heading to bed and hopefully to sleep.  More tomorrow.