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Friday, November 15, 2013

Being capable of love

I have thought a bit lately of people I have met who are incapable of loving another.  The last two men I have dated seem to fit in this category.  Is there some warning label that I missed when I first had coffee with them? 

I guess I am lucky because I can love another deeply as evidenced by my lengthy marriage.  Our relationship was not always easy but we hung in there-using each other as anchors in a world fraught with challenges and disappointments.  But the other side of being able to love deeply is to want to be loved deeply as well.  Is it commitment-phobia?  Maybe.  But I think it goes deeper than that.  Maybe it has something to do with how we define love.  I am not sure-but I become concerned as I contemplate the future and the possibility that the only men out there are ones that do not have the ability to love another person.  They have been alone for awhile, have had failed relationships and continue every now and again to try and assuage their being alone with a companion.  After awhile, that relationship fails as well.  I am the damaged goods-the product of at least one experience with a person incapable of love.  I only wish I had read the signs.

I guess as I move into the years after career building and child rearing, I am more sure that I do not want to live the rest of my life alone.  I knew that I would feel this way soon after being widowed.  And I do enjoy having a warm body next to me when I wake up in the morning, and my dog is not the warm body I crave.  I seem to have been willing to take what I got when I really wanted more.  How do we negotiate this?  Is being alone worse than being in a relationship with someone incapable of emotional intimacy?  Is that the choice that I need to make? 


  1. In my opinion, we should never settle for less than we deserve. And yes, being in a relationship without love is worse than living along. Unfortunately, the older we get the more baggage we all pick up alone the way to bring into relationships so finding a good match is harder---but not impossible by any means. Good men are still out there. They might be wounded men who take longer to get to know, but then you are wounded too. We rarely buy the first dress we trying on so don't get discourage if you have to keep trying a few more relationships before you find the fight fit.

  2. Thanks for the encouragement. Losses pile up and it is so hard to be resilient. But I am not sure that companionship is off the table. Maybe love is not out there. We will see.