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Thursday, November 21, 2013

Revisiting the Past

I have been contemplating the past few weeks and still am trying to figure out what happened.  It seems to be a theme in my life that loss events are sudden and unplanned and I am unprepared to handle them.  The death of my husband was a sudden shocking thing and I still look back and wonder if there were any clues.  Did Bruce not feel well the day before?  Was his minor surgery a few weeks before a catalyst?  If we had not gone to the gym - would we have averted the massive heart attack that claimed his life?

Similar to that is the sudden break-up of a 14 month relationship.  When did he decide that our relationship needed to end?  Why?  I understand that it is not productive to try and figure this out-but I still end up thinking about it.

As with Bruce's death, the evenings are the hardest.  I come home to the empty house and am despondent that this will be my future.  Alone and lonely.  Wanting but not getting.  I never thought I was that person who needed an intimate partner-but I guess I do.  I wonder if the many years spent married - led me to want that connection.  I wish I did not want this so badly.

  

2 comments:

  1. Playing the 'what-if' game as a kind of postmortem is very common. We all do when we have a major loss. I've gone through it three times now and eventually I was able to let go of the 'guilt' that the 'what-if' game implies. None of us have foresight into the future and we just did the best we could at the time with what we knew at the time.

    We are on a similar path when it comes to wanting to find someone to share life experiences with. Because of my advanced age I'm not looking for a male companion after being with my soul mate for 42 years, but rather I'm looking for some some gal pals to hang out with. It's human nature to want someone else in our lives. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to connect, when the time is right a guy will come along for you.

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  2. Thanks Jean, You are so good to share your experiences with me. Been a hard couple of months

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