I have been contemplating the past few weeks and still am trying to figure out what happened. It seems to be a theme in my life that loss events are sudden and unplanned and I am unprepared to handle them. The death of my husband was a sudden shocking thing and I still look back and wonder if there were any clues. Did Bruce not feel well the day before? Was his minor surgery a few weeks before a catalyst? If we had not gone to the gym - would we have averted the massive heart attack that claimed his life?
Similar to that is the sudden break-up of a 14 month relationship. When did he decide that our relationship needed to end? Why? I understand that it is not productive to try and figure this out-but I still end up thinking about it.
As with Bruce's death, the evenings are the hardest. I come home to the empty house and am despondent that this will be my future. Alone and lonely. Wanting but not getting. I never thought I was that person who needed an intimate partner-but I guess I do. I wonder if the many years spent married - led me to want that connection. I wish I did not want this so badly.