Today is the first day of Chanukah and Thanksgiving. Cause to celebrate? Thanksgiving is my holiday and honestly I did not have my usual exciting feeling that usually accompanies the day. Been so in the doldrums that I was sure that I would not be able to complete the task. As is usual, I am having 20 for dinner. All my west coast family members come: children, grandchild, cousins, aunt, and nephew.
But I seem to be okay and the day is proceeding fairly smoothly. The 21 pound turkey is in the oven and is stuffed and smelling luscious. As dictated by my grandson, I made an apple pie yesterday and that looks fine. My daughter made a challah and ice cream-items usually made by my husband.
Bottom line? This day will be fine and I need to be fine. I need to stop wallowing. The relationship that ended was pretty dismal-less and less of what I wanted. It was bound to end, unfortunately it ended sooner than I would have liked because it was an excellent distraction and offered me some intimacy. I try to have low expectations-but maybe I was happy with too little.
While I have been wallowing - I have been processing. Or maybe over processing. The ending of a 34 year relationship is reason to contemplate the state of the universe. I wish I could just dog paddle along until I found something else to do but that is not going to happen. I have no energy to keep all of those balls in the air. Trying to find what interests me is overwhelming-I cannot even come up with a book to read or TV show to watch. Life seems devoid of pleasures. I need to engage but difficult to know what to engage with. I guess I will just have to "fake it till I make it". And remember the mantra-this too shall pass.
Horrible time of the year to be sad-but January is right around the corner with additional challenges. Maybe I am not up for those-but there really are no choices. Time moves on……...