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Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgivakah

Today is the first day of Chanukah and Thanksgiving.  Cause to celebrate?  Thanksgiving is my holiday and honestly I did not have my usual exciting feeling that usually accompanies the day.  Been so in the doldrums that I was sure that I would not be able to complete the task.  As is usual, I am having 20 for dinner.  All my west coast family members come: children, grandchild, cousins, aunt, and nephew.

But I seem to be okay and the day is proceeding fairly smoothly.  The 21 pound turkey is in the oven and is stuffed and smelling luscious.  As dictated by my grandson, I made an apple pie yesterday and that looks fine.  My daughter made a challah and ice cream-items usually made by my husband.

Bottom line?  This day will be fine and I need to be fine.  I need to stop wallowing.  The relationship that ended was pretty dismal-less and less of what I wanted.  It was bound to end, unfortunately it ended sooner than I would have liked because it was an excellent distraction and offered me some intimacy.  I try to have low expectations-but maybe I was happy with too little.

While I have been wallowing - I have been processing.  Or maybe over processing.  The ending of a 34 year relationship is reason to contemplate the state of the universe.  I wish I could just dog paddle along until I found something else to do but that is not going to happen.  I have no energy to keep all of those balls in the air.  Trying to find what interests me is overwhelming-I cannot even come up with a book to read or TV show to watch.  Life seems devoid of pleasures.  I need to engage but difficult to know what to engage with.  I guess I will just have to "fake it till I make it".  And remember the mantra-this too shall pass.

Horrible time of the year to be sad-but January is right around the corner with additional challenges.  Maybe I am not up for those-but there really are no choices.  Time moves on……...

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