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Friday, December 13, 2013

Under Construction

It has been a hard month so far with the holidays approaching and the complete cut off from the new man in my life.  Almost a divorce.  Amazing how easily it brought me to the devastating loss of my husband and the hopelessness I feel when I gaze into the future.

And yes, I am getting every kind of help that is out there short of electric shock therapy (and I have considered that too).  All of the help keeps me from jumping off a bridge - but does little to take away all of the sadness.  On a completely rationally sane day, I acknowledge the drama queen in me and know that this too shall pass.  At night though, when I am in bed, I let myself feel the sad feelings.  I can cry and be done with it after a series of sniffles and sobs, and then turn over and go to sleep.  The sleep is of poor quality and this pattern too has taken up residence since Bruce died.  I wake every few hours and contemplate the universe and then go back to sleep.

Many of the widows that I have met, categorize their life as a re-invention post loss.  It is not so much a reinvention for me-but a site that is under construction.  I guess there are phases where we stand still and look at our place in the world-who we are, where we are and who we want to be.  It happens as a young adult-when our life is about to be written, and it happens when our children leave us and we are no longer primarily the "mom" and it happens with any gigantic life change as with divorce, illness or death.  I can rewrite the pages or start a new chapter.  Whatever the analogy, it is up to me - in some ways a freedom that is afforded us at times.  Is that good?  I guess that if I think of life as full of possibilities it is….. But (and of course there is a but), that moment is also full of anxieties and despair and not much energy to be creative and eager as we contemplate starting a new life.

So this page and I are under construction.  I will get back to you as the process continues.

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