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Thursday, January 16, 2014

Treading Water

Lately I have been in one of those "put one foot in front of another moods"  - which is to say, that life is kind of difficult and if I were able-I should stop "processing" things and just keep on going.  The ground is shaky; a perpetual earthquake and I cannot seem to get my balance.  Of course-so much is up in the air.

I have to find a way of earning a living and enjoying it.  Years of doing what I am doing is no longer something I am able to do.  That in itself is daunting.  It is not like I am at retirement age so that I can sit back and collect a healthy pension and use Medicare for health issues.  I need to switch gears but still make enough funds to pay my bills.  In addition to the turmoil about work (which I admit has been percolating for quite some time), there is the emptiness in my personal life.  Last year at this time, I was anticipating a Valentine's day with a significant other.  So that is gone as well. 

And so is my confidence.  I feel unable when years ago, I felt so capable.  This is a real crisis of faith.  Faith in me, faith in the future-how do I get this back?  The ending of the 14 month relationship with the confession that it was built on a lie and I was the last to know-has really made me distrustful.  And that has derailed whatever self-esteem I had.  I have lost ground and feel as if I am back in time to the year after Bruce's death.  I felt rudderless, uneven, unable, and so sad.

But I am trying a bit to move forward.  There are some ups, even if they are outnumbered by the downs.  And the fact that next month is the anniversary of Bruce's death (5 years!), and Valentine's day and the reminder that last year there was someone else in my life is painful. 

I guess I have to keep on keeping on.  I am trying to count my blessings and let the small problems stay small.  I need to appreciate what it is that I have, and put all in perspective.  And above all-look forward and try to create a space for myself where I can find some joy.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Atheist in a fox hole

I do not believe in miracles.  And I have yet to receive a sign from the dead.  Lots of widows have told me that their spouses were sending them signs-a butterfly, a whale, a parking place opening up.
I have had none of those experiences.  Yet, as the atheist in the foxhole who suddenly is praying to God as the war encroaches upon him, I sometimes am aware that I think there is a connection to a "grand plan".

It isn't exactly a sign from above.  It is more a strange coincidence that makes me think that something is "meant to be" or not "meant to be".  For example, when I was dating, one of the men that I dated taught at the same school as my husband, in fact he knew my husband.  Was he sent from heaven?  A gift from Bruce?  And when that relationship failed and my next encounter was with a man from the same home town as the previous guy, I also read into that.  Then I met someone who was  sociologist and again, since Bruce was a sociologist, I thought that there was some significance in that.

So now I am alone again.  And contemplating ending my career thus far after numerous issues that have filled me with self-doubt.  Is that too a sign that I need to move forward to my next "career" and not look back?  Is there a divine plan?