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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

nearing the mark

Hard to believe that it has been 5 years.  Thursday marks the 5th year since Bruce's death.  I am not planning on taking the day off, my schedule is packed and I did not feel that I could change it.  Maybe I should have.......

It is not passing without reflection and sadness.  I miss him and honestly I also miss the life that I had.    
He never bored me-always could make me laugh and always made me feel loved.  I guess that is extremely rare and that is something that has been difficult to do without.  With Bruce, I was always #1.  I never felt that there was anyone else on the planet that he would rather be with and I am sure that this phenomenon will never happen again.  Of course, there were times when I wanted some space and I felt the pressure of being attentive to his needs-BUT, how wonderful that I was loved and cherished this way.  And I will always, always be grateful for having that.  And yes, I miss that so much.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Turning the page

Sometimes when I am reading a book that has me anxious, I want to turn the page and skip over the difficult parts.  This is also how I feel about my life sometimes.  On February 20th - it will be 5 years since Bruce died.  And I would like to turn the page on some things-but not all.
It has been difficult and Bruce's death was followed by other traumas (as well as some joy).  But the loss stays with me.  And I want to shake it loose.

Five years ago, we were settling in to our new home.  We had moved in - and then proceeded to remodel some things, we visited the quarry and picked out granite for our countertops, we went to get wood flooring and many times I compromised-because it did not make that much of a difference and Bruce was so excited about our new home.  It was great to see this-finally, we were doing better and life seemed wonderful.  It had been a difficult move-a move in a hurry and Bruce worked his magic again.  He had the packing thing down to a science, he was able to do it all.  This was my extremely capable mate.  And suddenly-the holidays happened and I had the flu and we were putting in countertops and flooring.  Finally January arrived and we began to appreciate the work we had put in.  The house was beautiful.  In fact the week before Bruce died, we had a photographer come in and take photos to use our house as a model for the community. 
Valentine's Day was celebrated by a nice dinner out and then our weekend (with President's day and Monday off) was filled with school work.  We were home and each doing work while sharing and commiserating about our students and their inability to write well or follow directions.  It was a good weekend-our last together.

It is hard to visually capture the moments-even though I remember the details.  And of course, I miss him and sometimes want to have a conversation about events in my life.  He was after all, my best friend, and a fixture in my life for 34 years.  He would have been so proud of our children, and the adults they are now.  Our daughter such a wonderful parent, our hardworking son, now married and soon to be a dad. I know that they miss him too and somehow our joy is a bit dampened because he isn't here to share it.  He would have been a terrific grandfather.  And I am sad that he is missing out - because I know how much it would have meant to him and therefore to us.

Since his death, life has been a bit of a roller coaster-a bit of trauma here and there.  Additional losses followed and seemed more difficult because it brought back the greatest loss, Bruce. 

So I am hanging on-trying not to anticipate the events ahead-the anniversary of his death on the heels of Valentine's Day, my birthday, our anniversary (it would have been 39 years).  This year, I am alone again-whereas last year, I thought that I found another soulmate. 

But there are changes ahead.  Even though this time of the year will always make me look back-I am trying to look ahead.  New experiences wait for me, and it is time to shake things up.