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Thursday, July 31, 2014

Endings and Beginnings

It has been a busy week.  At the beginning of last week I was devastated by another loss, not sure how resilient I could be, not sure when I could emerge from the sadness.  Then at the end of the week, a new little person came into my life and this week I am feeling much better.  My granddaughter was born 12 days early - just when I needed something new to distract myself.

She is beautiful and represents hope for me.
On to a better future.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Putting it all in a box

I am accumulating losses.  I tend to gather up all the things that are going wrong and view them as one.  And so it is no wonder that I am so so despondent.  One trauma by itself is easier to deal with but I put them all together.  And then there is the emptiness.  

So hard for me to deal with right now.  I know that I need to stop dwelling on the empty's and try and find the glass half full.  But I am having a particularly rough time.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Review

How helpful is it to look back?  For the past 2 nights, I have been rehashing the past 4 months.  What happened, what changed, why didn't I pay attention to the signs?  Were there signs?  How can I exercise more control over what happens to me?  How can I continue to be proactive after a series of unfortunate events?

I try to be out there-brave in forging a new path for myself.  Now I am dealing with so many new uncertains.  I have done this before but usually there has been some stability as a safety.  Bruce was that for me.  I was hoping that the new man in my life was that as well.  I guess it is foolish to assign that role to a person I hardly knew.  Now I have that loss to deal with as well.  Where is my "home"?  For me home was not just a place, it was a person who provided that base.  Everything is changing, my road ahead is dark and I am just trying to move cautiously and not get sidetracked.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Alone again

Well, it happened.  Another relationship down the tubes.  Not that it was necessarily a good one.  Which leaves me to wonder why I stick in there at times when it seems obvious that nothing good will happen if we continue on.

I guess I am lonely and willing to compromise.  But to save a bit of pride here, it is not as if I hold on to bad men for the sake of having a companion.  They start out great.  They are funny and delightful and seem really to be Keepers.  It what happens during the course of the relationship-when I decide to continue on and their ardor cools and I realize they would rather be with their cats, their guitar or their TV.  Do I seek men who are emotionally unavailable?  Are there warning signs that I should pay attention to?  What are they?  I try not to rule out too many possibilities and so give a few a chance.  Is it better to date men who have recently had a relationship?  Or those who have children?  Or those who live with mom?  Hard to know what the rules are-especially at my age.

Everyone tells me it is a numbers game.  That sounds fine.  I can go into a bookstore and look at all the books and identify some that I like and then further select one.  But there is no pain if I choose incorrectly-and it is very easy to put down a book that was not what I thought it was.  Not the same with dating.  I get emotionally hooked and feel very depressed when things go awry.  I am disappointed first and then of course the loss is re-stimulated and then I feel hopeless that there will ever be someone to wake up next to. And finally, because it is a numbers game I need to go out and do it again and hope for a different outcome.

I miss Bruce.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

another new chapter

It has been a long long time since my last post.  I would like to say that my months were filled with lots of wonderful distractions but in truth I had a difficult spring and finally I decided to retire and recoup a bit.  Unfortunately, my finances won't totally support this and I am frantically looking for other income.  I have been sending out queries and have a couple of nibbles.  If all else fails maybe I have a career at Starbucks?

Life continues to be challenging.  I guess that this is the way it is.  The biggest challenge is to try and find the positive and not focus on the negatives.  So money is an issue but I have more time now.  So my love life is not what I expected but my family is growing as we will greet a new baby in the next few weeks.  Is the challenge what happens to us or is the challenge our response?