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Monday, September 15, 2014

Lowered Expectations

It seems that lately I am either disappointed or disappointing someone.  Are my expectations unrealistic?  Probably they are.

I am not sure what I expected when Bruce died.  I know that when he was alive, when I thought of a solitary life-I was fine.  I had this image of myself as a strong independent woman.  But now-I do not have that image of myself.  I sometimes feel that I am in a dark tunnel - and am feeling along the sides to find my way.

Is this part of my education?  How do I use the knowledge that I have gained to move forward while finding my balance?

Saturday, September 13, 2014

An Educational Opportunity

The years since Bruce's death has been like an educational experience in addition to a catastrophic event.  Add this to my list of credentials, and the resulting knowledge in some ways is more useful than the 4 other degrees that I have.  Yes, the loss was unexpected and if I could turn back the clock-I would.  Could I prevent his death?  Would I be able to successfully intervene?  I am not sure that I could have but there is still that little bit of doubt that lingers.  I guess it is the "What if", and I would guess that we all carry that around for every event in our lives.  That question of what would happen if we were: older, wiser, smarter, more observant......... The list can go on.

But to pick up the thread of the educational opportunity, I have learned so much since Bruce's death.  Did I want that knowledge-NO, but can I benefit in some way from it?  I hope so.  I have learned so much about the world, about me, about relationships.  My theory is that we travel though life with some certainty about the "givens".  At almost 60 (wow, I am awed by the number), I thought I had a sense of myself, and also about how things worked.  Well my awareness now is that there were some gaps in my knowledge about so many things.  I thought I knew myself, but I have found pockets of myself that were well hidden.  I also thought that I was an "expert" on relationships - have had a very long marriage, close ties with family and lots of friends.  But I was wrong-so many assumptions and misconceptions that I carried were based on the truth at the time.  This was challenged by the circumstances that I found myself dealing with and I have had to acknowledge my ignorance.