It seems that lately I am either disappointed or disappointing someone. Are my expectations unrealistic? Probably they are.
I am not sure what I expected when Bruce died. I know that when he was alive, when I thought of a solitary life-I was fine. I had this image of myself as a strong independent woman. But now-I do not have that image of myself. I sometimes feel that I am in a dark tunnel - and am feeling along the sides to find my way.
Is this part of my education? How do I use the knowledge that I have gained to move forward while finding my balance?
Saturday, September 13, 2014
The years since Bruce's death has been like an educational experience in addition to a catastrophic event. Add this to my list of credentials, and the resulting knowledge in some ways is more useful than the 4 other degrees that I have. Yes, the loss was unexpected and if I could turn back the clock-I would. Could I prevent his death? Would I be able to successfully intervene? I am not sure that I could have but there is still that little bit of doubt that lingers. I guess it is the "What if", and I would guess that we all carry that around for every event in our lives. That question of what would happen if we were: older, wiser, smarter, more observant......... The list can go on.
But to pick up the thread of the educational opportunity, I have learned so much since Bruce's death. Did I want that knowledge-NO, but can I benefit in some way from it? I hope so. I have learned so much about the world, about me, about relationships. My theory is that we travel though life with some certainty about the "givens". At almost 60 (wow, I am awed by the number), I thought I had a sense of myself, and also about how things worked. Well my awareness now is that there were some gaps in my knowledge about so many things. I thought I knew myself, but I have found pockets of myself that were well hidden. I also thought that I was an "expert" on relationships - have had a very long marriage, close ties with family and lots of friends. But I was wrong-so many assumptions and misconceptions that I carried were based on the truth at the time. This was challenged by the circumstances that I found myself dealing with and I have had to acknowledge my ignorance.