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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Danger ahead

I am moving cautiously these days.  I gravitate-sometimes I am cautiously optimistic about the future, other times I linger between fear and dread.

Loss hangs over me.  I can feel it in the background.  And I also know that this is part of life and always has been.  Somehow though, something in me has shifted and I see everything as a potential loss, even good things.

I try very hard to take away something from everything that disappears.  I want to be able to recoup, to be resilient, to appreciate what I have gained from each person, relationship, or situation where I have been the loser.  It takes superhuman strength and frankly I am not a comic book hero.  And unfortunately when I anticipate a loss or am fearful that I may lose something or someone very important, I react.  It may be, in fact, that in anticipation, I withdraw and lose more.

At times like these, I wish I can turn this analytic self off and just live in the moment.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

another milestone

Today, October 7, 2014 is Bruce's 60th birthday.  Of course, as my daughter pointed out, Bruce would have told me that dead people do not have birthdays.  But I woke up with an uneasiness, and later when I thought about it, realized that I felt sad.  Yes, lots of time has passed and in February - I will have been widowed 6 years.  But these dates still mean something and seem to prompt an acknowledgement.

I have always been one to acknowledge birthdays.  I do not remember much about birthdays when I was a child except for the fact that I always had a green cake for St. Patrick's Day.  But as an adult-birthdays are important.  They represent a way of celebrating another.  So if someone in my circle does not want to celebrate-I do it for them.  I love the people in my life and I am grateful that they share my planet.  When the day rolls around - I try to express in some way how much I appreciate that person.  Which brings me back to Bruce and this special day.  Does it really matter that he is not here?  He has left his foot print, and no one and no fact can erase that. 

So today I celebrate him, his life and his contribution to the world.  He made us laugh, his generosity was endless and he was very important to me.

Happy Birthday my dear dear soul mate.  You are missed.