Every now and then Bebe does some maneuver during our walk and I end up kissing the street. Today it was a runner, running either toward us or away from us but in either case, Bebe and I were startled. She lunged, I fell and then was dragged until I got a handle on the leash. Seventy - five pounds of muscle pulling 93 pounds of me. I should be stronger given the weights that I am pulling but that is not the case.
I am having a hard time understanding my mood lately. I can feel the sadness under the surface and am not quite sure why. Life is okay-a bit lonely, a bit overwhelming, but on that front, it feels no different than usual. I guess every now and then I get tired and a bit fearful of the future. Everything seems to be in flux which can be good, but I guess I long for a bit of stability. It still strikes me how much my life has changed in the aftermath of Bruce's death. Not that we were strangers to change. In my 34 year marriage, we moved about 12 times, and to 5 different states. But every time we moved, we moved as a team and my resilience was embedded in the comfort of Bruce's sense of adventure. So here I am making changes by myself-without a cheerleading section.
It is no surprise that I hate change and love stability-the mark of an anxious person. Comfort happens in the course of day to day sameness with a little smidgen of the unexpected thrown in every now and then. As of this fall, the change is fully in bloom. I am no longer a professor with a steady gig-now I am a vagabond educator-and my job and the place where my paycheck comes from is different each semester. I am still alone, navigating the house and the pets. I am still overwhelmed by the number of things that still hang over me and the uncertainty of my financial future. There are good changes ahead-my growing family - and now there is another child on the horizon, and the hope that I won't always be alone to walk the hills of my life. But it is sometimes difficult to keep this in mind - especially on a day that starts with an intimate encounter with the street.