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Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Approaching significant days

Friday will be 7 years-hard to believe it and yet I can still feel the ache of missing him.  And life continues to be up and down.  I do appreciate the wonderful pieces to my life: the family, the kids and grand kids.  I have made some very big decisions, and I have no regrets.  Life would have been completely different with Bruce in it-that is a given.  The person I have become is still recognizable but there have been alterations.  BUT- In addition to all of the great things and changes - there is definitely a void.  
Bruce announced his presence in every way-he did not even know how to whisper.  So of course life feels a bit more empty without him.  True he has left me Bebe-who also demands full attention.  And in a crazy way I feel his presence in her.  When she barks in the middle of the night to take my warm spot in the bed-it reminds me that Bruce really needed me by his side. 

Next month another milestone-a major birthday which to me is hard to acknowledge - I really wanted to grow old with him and now I am approaching the downhill slide and he is gone.  Unable to appreciate the "fruits of his labor" - the wonderful parents his children have become, the beautiful grandchildren so full of life and enthusiasm for the world.  I am struck daily by how much he would have loved being a grandfather and how suited he would have been in the role.

Often I find myself about to utter a nutty phrase of his or mine to a stranger-hoping to get the acknowledgement of the shared joke and I do feel that pang of disappointment.  I try not to look back but instead look ahead to the life I can create for myself.  Hard on these significant days.........

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Finally-I have found my way back.  I am a bit emotionally overwhelmed these days and need to try and keep on an even keel.  Taking care of myself is important.

So off to bed, more tomorrow.

Saturday, January 23, 2016


Long long time.  So have I been climbing Mount Everest?  Sailing the seas?
No-just trying to deal with the challenges of the world and my private space.
I had trouble getting to the blog it has been so long.  Grief street is still in my neighborhood.

The other day-I had a moment of longing so intense it stopped me in my tracks.  I miss Bruce.  I thought about his quirky sense of humor and I so wanted to see him.  Of course I think of him every single day-and of course I miss him.  But this feeling was like that of missing a best friend-one who you would call to check in with.  And guess what-I can't do that.  And I guess for a moment I felt angry.  I was not aware of any anger before but I felt it acutely the other day when I thought about his health and the fact that he did not take care of himself for a good part of his life and how he died.

Next month I hit the seven year mark.  Long time and lots has transpired.  So many things in my life that are good and that Bruce would have wanted to be part of - and it is so terribly sad.

Promise I will be back!