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Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Approaching significant days

Friday will be 7 years-hard to believe it and yet I can still feel the ache of missing him.  And life continues to be up and down.  I do appreciate the wonderful pieces to my life: the family, the kids and grand kids.  I have made some very big decisions, and I have no regrets.  Life would have been completely different with Bruce in it-that is a given.  The person I have become is still recognizable but there have been alterations.  BUT- In addition to all of the great things and changes - there is definitely a void.  
Bruce announced his presence in every way-he did not even know how to whisper.  So of course life feels a bit more empty without him.  True he has left me Bebe-who also demands full attention.  And in a crazy way I feel his presence in her.  When she barks in the middle of the night to take my warm spot in the bed-it reminds me that Bruce really needed me by his side. 

Next month another milestone-a major birthday which to me is hard to acknowledge - I really wanted to grow old with him and now I am approaching the downhill slide and he is gone.  Unable to appreciate the "fruits of his labor" - the wonderful parents his children have become, the beautiful grandchildren so full of life and enthusiasm for the world.  I am struck daily by how much he would have loved being a grandfather and how suited he would have been in the role.

Often I find myself about to utter a nutty phrase of his or mine to a stranger-hoping to get the acknowledgement of the shared joke and I do feel that pang of disappointment.  I try not to look back but instead look ahead to the life I can create for myself.  Hard on these significant days.........

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